What's wrong with me?
I fail as a Catholic.I fail as a daughter.
I fail as a good friend.
I fail to keep promises made even if i wanted to.
I fail to see my priorities.
All these because i fail to quit.
I can't freaking say NO. I can't say i quit either. Because of that, i disappoint my family and friends. I neglected my family when they needed me most. I'll not be able to spend time with friends whom i've not seen for a year. Instead, i chose to stay back and build a float which will take 3 months to build, 1 hour to take apart and 5 minutes to display.
What is the point?
I try to coax myself to say that i am making friends (as superficial as it may be), building camaraderie (yeah right, everyone talks about passion.. but look how one ounce of politics destroy our utopian "family") but how am i to when i ffk my childhood friends who know me in and out?
I try to coax myself that i'll be able to collect points for next year so i can be less involved during term time, but truth be told, 12 points is not worth this effort put in. 1 month of 2 sports will get me that equal amount and is less tiring. We're working from noon till 2 in the morning. That's 14 hours of hard manual work.
Unlike production, i wasn't approached to join rag. i CHOSE to join rag. WHY?
I asked myself this many many times in the past 4 difficult weeks. Maybe i joined because i couldn't stand the thought of lazing around at home and wasn't really interested in waitressing tables just so that i won't be wasting my holidays away. Maybe i joined because of the people i know who will be around to support me when i fall. Maybe i joined because i thought i would enjoy what i will be doing- something i later realised that there's much more to an engineer's job other than to cut and paste tin cans. Maybe i thought that i would be able to come home anytime i like to spend time with Mummy Dadddy and to hang out with friends when they're back.
Lesson learned. I should've made sure that my Maybes were Yesses. I may not have had to work after all if i went back home. I could've helped mum with house chores and be able to watch all the world cup matches on Astro. Those whom i thought would be there for me are not here. I was wrong, i misjudged although i rarely do but this time i did. Engineers are supposed to cut, drill, and mount wood, metal, aluminium, mild steel and wtv else on top of cutting and pasting tin cans. Its not as easy as it seems. Sigh....... apart from being dead tired after working, i have absolutely no social life in the weekends since none of my friends are around and my parents are not here for me to go home to.
Its been a long post, yet i still have no idea why i am who i am.
Baby steps.. its time to learn to say no, its time to learn to say i quit.
Imagine if a guy i don't like proposes, i can't possibly not say no right?
posted by Tina @ 4:36 AM
Comments: 2
